Humorist Of The Household Gifts

"That's his idea of multi-tasking."

'At home, do you share the unpleasant jobs?'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

There! I've made my year's supply of zucchini bread! That's kind of a lot. How can you store them all? It's no problem. I just throw out last year's supply.

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

'What wine do you recommend with the peanut butter-filled, deep fried, jalapeno bacon bombs?'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'