Household Satirist Gifts

Man is burning family portraits.

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

His and Hernia's towels.

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

Man to wife about book: 'Honey, I think the novel wants out.'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"I'm sorry, dear, but you know how I feel about intra-marital sex."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

Mistress Talking to Maid

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'A Dust Cow'.