Family Satirist Gifts

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

'I'm glad your mother stayed with us last week, it gave me a great idea for a horror story.'

"Do you remember when Christmas was all about the family getting together and having a big fight?"

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

"Doesn't Dad know about child labor laws?"

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

'Honey, I'm Rome!'

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

"Every time I tie my shoes, the laces come undone...I think it's a conspiracy!"

'Hey Dad, Mom's got a new hobby...still life painting...er, Dad?'

"He's the one family member who doesn't care if I post hundreds of photos of him online."