Family Satire Fan Gifts

'Forget that! This is my lifetime get out of jail free card!'

"Since we won the lottery, all I've been getting is begging letters..."

Suffering from Cooties?

"The president says there isn't a flood. What's the harm in humoring him?" "Hey! Would somebody pull Lindsey up for air?"

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"I'll bet you're very proud of your handsome, well-behaved little sporks here."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"That's right. An increase in your title!"

'Jimmie, run and tell your dad the tractor is flooded.'

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

"Ancient Aztec shaman-kings predicted a coming together of all the cultures of the world, creating a new enlightenment for human beings."

'I want you to bring me one.'

'Honey, the babysitter's here.'

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

'Think of an essay as a collection of tweets only joined together.'

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"Bad Dog!!! You can't trust those chocolate labs."

'Mom, was Dad your number one draft choice?'

Will hide my face with this sign for food. ?

'And who told you to give the Holy Shroud a good wash?'

"Grandma, I have to bring an antique to school. Can I borrow your flip phone?"

Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis in 'Wise men 3'.

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

'Yes Sir, I am at this very minute passing on your recommendations for staff wage cuts to the appropriate department'

I'm starting to think I was adopted.

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

I'm sorry, ma'am, but there was a mix-up at the hospital, and we think you brought home the wrong husband.

'He's allergic to talc! You'll have to give up the baby!'

"Hold on a second there, Roger; Ken's raised some very good points."

Cards Galore.

'I'd like to apply for a job as a predatory lender.'