Family Satire Lover Gifts

'You know at some point we have to stop swaddling him, right?'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"Sure they love us, but once we turn 18 and are no longer a tax deduction, they'll tell us to move out!"

'How long did you try before calling?'

"Bottled or breast?"

Is your homework finished? It's almost a snow day. No way

"Our battle with Covid-19 has been a triumph."

'You kids stop fighting or I swear, I will turn this banana around!'

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?"

'We've got to stop him watching Robert Peston.'

"Sure you take off with the flock and leave me here stuck with the kids!"

"Thank you, honey, for your vote of confidence in our parenting decisions."

'Just so you know, leaning on a rake and looking at the sky is not 'yard work', and thus may not be entered into your 'I do so help around the house' defense.'

'Could you direct me to the balloon animal enclosure?'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'It's so embarrassing. My mother had my tadpole tail bronzed!'

"Grandma is really nice but she makes a mean cookie."

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

"I've decided to accept my legal counsel's advice and take the fifth."

"Amanda, did you throw you shoes away again?"

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'I'm busy. Can't you make it yourself?'

"When you said I'd 'Really clean up' when Grandma visits I didn't know you meant my room!"

"We're just pleased he can still get into the Christmas spirit."

Mythical Family of Four

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

'It's your turn, dear.'

"Mom, all I did was fall off my bike and skin my knee."

"I don’t have a photo of a caterpillar leaving its cocoon, but here’s my dad leaving his hammock after napping."