Domestic Satire Lover Gifts

'Just so you know, leaning on a rake and looking at the sky is not 'yard work', and thus may not be entered into your 'I do so help around the house' defense.'

Single Mansions

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"Mulch madness"

David Niven caricature

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."

"Our battle with Covid-19 has been a triumph."

God asks an angel for change for a tower viewer.

'We've got to stop him watching Robert Peston.'

'George, I can't sleep with a window shade flapping! Get up and fix it!'

"Quit with that racket - you're scaring the fish."

"For God's sake! Let the man have his simple pleasures."

"I'm sorry, dear, but you know how I feel about intra-marital sex."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"Now batting, No. 2, Derek Jeter—No. 2. Happy now, nut job?"

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

"Can I turn off the game and set the table? Ha, ha! Oh, honey, you are hilarious!"

Wife is reading a book intitled 'Meals in 5 minutes', husband is reading a book about 'Divorce in 5 days'.

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

Frank's (Littleknown) Bird Sanctuary.

"Should I wait till the tail stops wagging before I stick it with my fork?"

"I'm sorry Bob. After you disappeared, I made a new life with Fred."

Lazy eye at home

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

Help, Rudy. I think I've got a problem. Huh? I keep wanting to go outside and play. and have fun un the fresh air with my friends. So? Don't you see? I do it every day. I can't help myself. It's like a compulsing. Compulsion? I have a dependency. No more watching Dr. Phil.

'I know you're sensitive, Wally, but I only asked you to help wash the dishes!'

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'