Family Satire Analyst Gifts

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

CHANNEL THIRTEEN TAKES ON THE NETWORKS

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

"Bottled or breast?"

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

'We lease the children, of course!'

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

The number of couples separating keeps growing.

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

The Swat Team of 15-L

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

"No, I'm not here for your little sister."

Celebrity X-factor Gogglebox Bake-off on Ice

'I'm glad your mother stayed with us last week, it gave me a great idea for a horror story.'

Trump Compares His Trials to a Lynching

A man hangs a baby from a hat rack.

"Now you know why they hide those things in closets."

'He came back home. Ran out of money.'

'Due to a shakeup at network headquarters, this is the Evening News with Fred the Janitor....'

The First Test Of Parenthood

"Families depress me."

'In response to viewer requests, we're replacing Andy Rooney tonight with 'A few Minutes with Some Famous Bimbo'....'

'You know at some point we have to stop swaddling him, right?'

Baby's mobile has electronic devices.

'Ronald!! You're home early - uh, this isn't what it looks like!'

"You've got to stop biting it. How long is your mother-in-law staying with you."

'Forget that! This is my lifetime get out of jail free card!'

"Doesn't Dad know about child labor laws?"

"Thank you for calling your father. If this is an emergency, press 1. If you need money, press 2. To speak about your general life updates, please stay on the line: your mother will be with you shortly."

'Why is it that I'm the one who had the children and you're the one who lost your figure?'

Consistent education is important!

'They like to call it 'parenting,' but it's just an outmoded seniority system.'

'It's nothing against you, Harold- I just got a better offer.'