Parenting Satire Aficionado Gifts

A man hangs a baby from a hat rack.

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

The Mothership

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

'What are you in for?'

"The kids have stopped saying 'are we there yet?'"

'The baby took some cellphone pictures of you napping!'

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

Rosemary's Baby Supplies

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

'Ooopsss! I did it again.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).

'I already had one bath today! You want my skin to wear out?'

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

'If you're too hot, get back in the water: I'm not buying you ice cream!'

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

"My kid said his first two words and you know what he said; 'I'll sue.'."