Parenting Parody Enthusiast Gifts

Rosemary's Baby Supplies

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

"I need to know who started it."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Use your inside scream."

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

The Mothership

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

Chilly baby.

'Please tell me I'm adopted.'

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"Sure, Mom, I'll eat first, but then can we discuss my 'overseas adoption'?"

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

'I did tell you there were speed bumps in this via.'

'What are you in for?'

'Mom, I need a push.'

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

'Go on Darling, play in the soil-pit for a while...'

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

"Michael, do your dinner."

"I'll leave the door open and the hallway light on, but you're much too old to need an attorney in your room."

"The kids have stopped saying 'are we there yet?'"

'The baby took some cellphone pictures of you napping!'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

'Ooopsss! I did it again.'

I arrived, I Ate, I Conquered (aka Pooped).