Parenting Satirists Gifts

'I know...It's so nice to finally be able to leave the kids at home without a babysitter, now that they have the means to keep themselves safe.'

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

"Say, honey, have you seen Jerome junior lately?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"Have you seen my dad?"

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Where's your nose?"

"Just tell your parents you made the grade. Don't specify."

Baby's book is titled: 'Dummies for Dummies.'

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

"Which one's yours?"

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

The Mothership

'Can we get the corn that's already been chewed?!'