Parenting Satire Lovers Gifts

"Thank you for calling your father. If this is an emergency, press 1. If you need money, press 2. To speak about your general life updates, please stay on the line: your mother will be with you shortly."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

The Mothership

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

Young Godzilla.

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

Rosemary's Baby Supplies

"Our little girl has blossomed into quite the little complainer."

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'You can stop looking-I just remembered I didn't wear my retainer today. Funny, huh?'

Reality of Parenthood

'I already had one bath today! You want my skin to wear out?'

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

"I know I say it in every episode, Carson, but the world is changing and we have to change with it."

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Break Water'

Dad’s Homework Assignment

'He took his first step!'

"Some will love you and some will hate you. It's always been that way with anchovies."

"Owww!! Yes, that hurts!"

'Don't you just love them when they do that?'

'You were the one who said you'd like him to bring some of his friends home. . .'