Satirical Parent Gifts

Dad’s Homework Assignment

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"We had our baby through the NHS. It took nine months so maybe we should have gone private."

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

The Mothership

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

"Ask not for whom the baby cries; it cries for thee. Specifically, thee’s milk."

'We lease the children, of course!'

Our Yuppie Dad

"I only grown them because her mother's allergic to them."

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

'You're not old enough to make your own mistakes! Leave that to your father.'

"It's the kids! Quick! Stash the cigs!"

"Yes, but Mummy and Daddy are on legal drugs."

Time Out Room

'Congratulations! It's an obesity time bomb'

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

'I'm glad your mother stayed with us last week, it gave me a great idea for a horror story.'

"Don't look! There is one of these nude perverts again!"