Satirical Parent Pillows

Dad’s Homework Assignment

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"We had our baby through the NHS. It took nine months so maybe we should have gone private."

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

The Mothership

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

The inventor of the Slip 'n Slide becomes a father.

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

Free Baby. Lily decides turnabout is fair play.

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

'We lease the children, of course!'

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"Ask not for whom the baby cries; it cries for thee. Specifically, thee’s milk."

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

Our Yuppie Dad

"I only grown them because her mother's allergic to them."

'You're not old enough to make your own mistakes! Leave that to your father.'

Time Out Room

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

"Yes, but Mummy and Daddy are on legal drugs."

"It's the kids! Quick! Stash the cigs!"