Parenting Satire Lovers Pillows

"Thank you for calling your father. If this is an emergency, press 1. If you need money, press 2. To speak about your general life updates, please stay on the line: your mother will be with you shortly."

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

In my day, they didn

The Mothership

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

I've decided to run for office so I can spend more time away from my family.

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

Young Godzilla.

Rosemary's Baby Supplies

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

"Our little girl has blossomed into quite the little complainer."

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'You can stop looking-I just remembered I didn't wear my retainer today. Funny, huh?'

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

Reality of Parenthood

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

Soccer Moms

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

'I already had one bath today! You want my skin to wear out?'

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

"I know I say it in every episode, Carson, but the world is changing and we have to change with it."

Free Baby. Lily decides turnabout is fair play.

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Break Water'

'He took his first step!'

Dad’s Homework Assignment

"Some will love you and some will hate you. It's always been that way with anchovies."

'You were the one who said you'd like him to bring some of his friends home. . .'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Mum inspects poo'