Family Life Satire Gifts

"Bottled or breast?"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

"You missed breakfast and lunch and haven't left your bed so it's not worth you getting up now. Good night!"

'I think this mother might prefer a different planter.'

Scooting Death

Eat your vegetables

Even before we began to order in, my dad was always keen to skip the dishes!

"We have big news!"

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

'If you're such a great dad, how come I never see you on TELEVISION?'

"I agree, it's a real worry. We may have to consider limiting her screen time."

"We're still working out joint custody."

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

"I told you a pet is a lot of responsibility. Now, take your balloon dog out for some air."

"Turn off the TV and go to bed - I'm your mother, and I approved this message."

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

The Swat Team of 15-L

"Please stop using the phrase, 'I wasn't born yesterday'."

Motherhood in its simplest form.

'Can I have a glass of water?'

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

'I'm glad your mother stayed with us last week, it gave me a great idea for a horror story.'

'As the CEO of a large corporation, I don't suppose you'd consider taking out the garbage?'

"I should like a commission on that child tax credit."

'I'm gonna die.'