Family Life Satirist Gifts

The Swat Team of 15-L

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

The finer points of marriage.

Snowman Driver

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"Bottled or breast?"

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"You missed breakfast and lunch and haven't left your bed so it's not worth you getting up now. Good night!"

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

'I think this mother might prefer a different planter.'

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

Eat your vegetables

'If you're such a great dad, how come I never see you on TELEVISION?'

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

Even before we began to order in, my dad was always keen to skip the dishes!

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"We have big news!"

Scooting Death