Home Life Satirist Gifts

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

Hoodie Hang-out

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

"But I use all of them!"

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

"Thank god we're out of the city."

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'

This is where Brent council sends you

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"I'm getting awfully tired of raking up you underwear..."

"Dinner will be ready soon, I hear the pizza truck rounding the corner."

"I'm sorry, dear, but you know how I feel about intra-marital sex."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

Wife is reading a book intitled 'Meals in 5 minutes', husband is reading a book about 'Divorce in 5 days'.

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Should I wait till the tail stops wagging before I stick it with my fork?"

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

"Jordan takes his wife's wind chimes – he shoots!"

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

"Dinner's ready!" "I can't hear you!"

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

'This IS our retirement plan.'

"No need to set out traps, I'm leaving. You don't have Wi-Fi in this dump."

Jack and Jill Find Vending Machine