Domestic Life Satirist Gifts

"It's a crying shame, his wife went to visit her mother in Australia and forgot to leave directions to the kitchen"

Risks for the heart patient Unloading the Dishwasher "Sorry? No can do." Answering the Land Line R-R-RING! R-R-R-RING! N-nope R-R-RING!!! Doing Taxes "Doc said I should take it easy." Any Car-Related Errand "The old ticker."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"But I use all of them!"

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

How it started: How it's going

'I thought you said, 'What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom'!'

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"I'm getting awfully tired of raking up you underwear..."

'Just so you know, leaning on a rake and looking at the sky is not 'yard work', and thus may not be entered into your 'I do so help around the house' defense.'

"Dinner will be ready soon, I hear the pizza truck rounding the corner."

"I'm sorry, dear, but you know how I feel about intra-marital sex."

"Iron Man! Thank heaven you’ve come!"

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

Wife is reading a book intitled 'Meals in 5 minutes', husband is reading a book about 'Divorce in 5 days'.

"Should I wait till the tail stops wagging before I stick it with my fork?"

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

"Jordan takes his wife's wind chimes – he shoots!"

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Dinner's ready!" "I can't hear you!"

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

"No need to set out traps, I'm leaving. You don't have Wi-Fi in this dump."

"The Bluebird of Happiness is on his way. We're security."

"No - you put the cat out."