Family Time Satirist Gifts

'I'd better get home to my wife and maggots...'

"The couch hates me Jane!"

God bless our home equity line of credit.

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"No, dear, the baby didn't take a selfie. It's an ultrasound."

"Bottled or breast?"

'I think this mother might prefer a different planter.'

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

"Well done, doctor. I've never seen a phone removed from a hand so skillfully before."

"You missed breakfast and lunch and haven't left your bed so it's not worth you getting up now. Good night!"

Even before we began to order in, my dad was always keen to skip the dishes!

Eat your vegetables

Scooting Death

"We have big news!"

'If you're such a great dad, how come I never see you on TELEVISION?'

Sunset Romance

I'm Proud of my Gay Son!....I'm Proud of my Cross-Dressing Dad.

"I agree, it's a real worry. We may have to consider limiting her screen time."

"I told you a pet is a lot of responsibility. Now, take your balloon dog out for some air."

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

"He needs his five-a-day."

The Swat Team of 15-L

"So was the old lady who lived in a shoe taken to court for whipping her kids."

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

The First In-Law of Thermodynamics.

'Planet Earth is doomed!'

"Turn off the TV and go to bed - I'm your mother, and I approved this message."

'Can I have a glass of water?'

"Please stop using the phrase, 'I wasn't born yesterday'."

Motherhood in its simplest form.

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'