Family Time Satirist Pillows

'I'd better get home to my wife and maggots...'

"The couch hates me Jane!"

God bless our home equity line of credit.

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"No, dear, the baby didn't take a selfie. It's an ultrasound."

"Bottled or breast?"

'I think this mother might prefer a different planter.'

"You missed breakfast and lunch and haven't left your bed so it's not worth you getting up now. Good night!"

"I'm disabling autocorrect, because it reminds me too much of my mother-in-law."

'If you're such a great dad, how come I never see you on TELEVISION?'

Eat your vegetables

Scooting Death

"We have big news!"

Even before we began to order in, my dad was always keen to skip the dishes!

Sunset Romance

I'm Proud of my Gay Son!....I'm Proud of my Cross-Dressing Dad.

"I agree, it's a real worry. We may have to consider limiting her screen time."

"I told you a pet is a lot of responsibility. Now, take your balloon dog out for some air."

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

The First In-Law of Thermodynamics.

"So was the old lady who lived in a shoe taken to court for whipping her kids."

"Please stop using the phrase, 'I wasn't born yesterday'."

"Turn off the TV and go to bed - I'm your mother, and I approved this message."

The Swat Team of 15-L

'Planet Earth is doomed!'

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

Motherhood in its simplest form.

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

"He needs his five-a-day."

'Can I have a glass of water?'

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

'He only stays for the sake of the children-they don't want him living with them either.'