Tea Time Satirist Pillows

"I'm not into health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

'Secondhand smoke.'

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"Wait a minute! This is a copy of 'TV Guide.' "

Gogglebollox: Our Queen at 90

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"Thank god for Sudoku."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Sean Hannity?'

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

Attention: Due to a lack of interest we have dropped the APATHY channel - Sorry for any inconvenience.

Sunset Romance

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

"No need to set out traps, I'm leaving. You don't have Wi-Fi in this dump."

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

Explorers discover the last contrarian without a podcast.

"The Bluebird of Happiness is on his way. We're security."

"He needs his five-a-day."