Tea Time Satirist Pillows

"I'm not into health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

'Secondhand smoke.'

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

Gogglebollox: Our Queen at 90

"Wait a minute! This is a copy of 'TV Guide.' "

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"Did I say Henny Youngmen? I meant to say Sergei Prokofiev."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"Thank god for Sudoku."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"Well done, doctor. I've never seen a phone removed from a hand so skillfully before."

George Clooney.

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Sean Hannity?'

Sunset Romance

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

Attention: Due to a lack of interest we have dropped the APATHY channel - Sorry for any inconvenience.

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

"No need to set out traps, I'm leaving. You don't have Wi-Fi in this dump."

Golf - "Are you new to the game?"

"The Bluebird of Happiness is on his way. We're security."

Explorers discover the last contrarian without a podcast.

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"