Storytime Satirist Pillows

Religious Dad, "And the child that is born on the Sabbath day is bonny and blithe and thoroughly heterosexual."

"So was the old lady who lived in a shoe taken to court for whipping her kids."

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

"#notguilty."

'Mary had a little lamb - with mint jelly.'

After chasing the rabbit for many hours, Buster found himself very far from home indeed.

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

The little engine that delegated

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

The camouflage in vietnam was more comfortable

'...in sickness or health, inflation or deflation,marriage tax credit or debit...'

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

Parenting Skills Training

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'My bed time story sounds a lot like your blog.'

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

'And then the big bad wolf said, 'This, little piggy, is where the rubber meets the road.''

Drone Baby Delivery

"This is Sweden, not Eden."

Noah's Nark.

You're supposed to read him a bedtime story at HIS bedtime.

'My biggest mistake was to make a 'death-bed confession'... then I made a full recovery!'

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

'You're an estate agent aren't you?'

"This isn't how the story went at all."

Old woman who lives in a shoe with sick children.

''Open Sesame' would make a great password, wouldn't it?'

'And the Angel of the Lord said unto them, 'Go fill all thy shops with overpriced tat, stuff thyselves sill for four months and see if thou canst get away with calling it Christmas.'