Storytime Jokester Pillows

'Mary had a little lamb - with mint jelly.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"Merry Christmas"

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Men dancing

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Bull Pen

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

Parenting Skills Training

'My bed time story sounds a lot like your blog.'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"Maybe this year..."

Elf of the Month

Noah's Nark.

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

''Open Sesame' would make a great password, wouldn't it?'

During a respite in union negotiations, simmering tensions boil over as some disgruntled members of the toymakers elf union take matters in their own hands.

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

Old woman who lives in a shoe with sick children.

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

C is for Cracker

'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'

'Once upon a time, in a faraway land with a budget surplus...'