Jokester With A Past Pillows

'When I think of all the homework my dog ate, I can hardly believe that I'm sitting at this desk.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

"You never giggle and read cartoon captions to me anymore."

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

"'Ere -what's YOUR problem...?"

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

"Want to put the house on the market so we clean it?"

Nelson.

'Tender and Juicy.'

The little rascal! He knows we're watching him and that he's safe next to his warren, so he's mooning us!

"It was worth a try."

Coulda Woulda Shoulda.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'Did you or did you not make my client laugh so hard that milk came out his nose, causing the kids at his cafeteria table to laugh at him?'

"An olive or a twist?"

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

Summer Reading

'Cool! Thanks to our opposable thumbs, we can send SMS messages...'

"I was on my way to a costume party when I suddenly remembered Uncle Fred's funeral..."

'Murder my spouse? Oh, that's nothing but an old wives' tale.'

'So we can fing out what is wrong with you granddad, I've asked him to bring in a couple of stools!'

Don't feed the bears vegetables.