Jokester With A Taste For Irony Pillows

"My fortune cookie says to call the food poisoning hotline."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Leaving cards.

Hotel mini-bar.

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Nelson.

"I think we have an ant problem"

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It was worth a try."

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

The little rascal! He knows we're watching him and that he's safe next to his warren, so he's mooning us!

Coulda Woulda Shoulda.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Would you mind blowing into this bag Sir?'

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'Okay, we'll release one hostage, for six weeks!!'

Summer Reading

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"An olive or a twist?"

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

"Today, class, I'm proud to announce my tenure."

"There is no complaint department, Robert."

'It's just a bit of pond weed tied to my bottom but it makes me feel so much younger!'

"He can't be very good, look at his face."

'Question number one: Does your wife ask you questions from women's magazines?'