Spirited Jokester Pillows

"For the last time - you and your horsie get away from me and stay away!"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

A crab with a utility knife claw

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Men dancing

Leaving cards.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and with the sun if I've found death, please excuse my morning breath.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'