Witty Jokester Pillows

Leaving cards.

'What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for in stupidity.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Men dancing

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"You idiots … we lost!"

Elf of the Month

"Maybe this year..."

During a respite in union negotiations, simmering tensions boil over as some disgruntled members of the toymakers elf union take matters in their own hands.

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

C is for Cracker