Imaginative Jokester Pillows

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

Men dancing

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Leaving cards.

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

"Your Covid-19 Test Results Are In..."

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

Broad Minded

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

Celebrity Clown Rehab: 'And so how does that make you feel, Chuckles?'

'Tender and Juicy.'

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

'Hello? Animal control?'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

"Doctor I think I'm a moth..."

"About 77,000 years ago the human lineage split into two branches. Homo sapiens sapiens and Homo stupidicus dumbelsii."

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"An olive or a twist?"