Imaginative Jokester Gifts

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Men dancing

Leaving cards.

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and with the sun if I've found death, please excuse my morning breath.

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

Broad Minded

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

"Your Covid-19 Test Results Are In..."

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

Celebrity Clown Rehab: 'And so how does that make you feel, Chuckles?'

'Tender and Juicy.'

'Hello? Animal control?'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

"Doctor I think I'm a moth..."

I laughed so hard that milk came out my nose.

"About 77,000 years ago the human lineage split into two branches. Homo sapiens sapiens and Homo stupidicus dumbelsii."