Ironic Jokester Gifts

Too-Humble Pie.

Freezing Penguins

World ends at midnight. Have a nice day.

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

The Female Brain and The Other One

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Leaving cards.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"I hope your day is going bad."

The Principal of Inertia.

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

Broad Minded

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Interrupted Shower.

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."