Irreverent Jokester Gifts

"I'd like a quick word with you after visiting time."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

The Female Brain and The Other One

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Broad Minded

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Tender and Juicy.'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'I'd like an older brother, please.'

"About 77,000 years ago the human lineage split into two branches. Homo sapiens sapiens and Homo stupidicus dumbelsii."

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"An olive or a twist?"

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

Summer Reading

"Today, class, I'm proud to announce my tenure."

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"There is no complaint department, Robert."

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

"He can't be very good, look at his face."

'It's just a bit of pond weed tied to my bottom but it makes me feel so much younger!'

'Question number one: Does your wife ask you questions from women's magazines?'

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

"My fortune cookie says to call the food poisoning hotline."