Irreverent Jokester Pillows

"I'd like a quick word with you after visiting time."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

The Female Brain and The Other One

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Broad Minded

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Tender and Juicy.'

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'I'd like an older brother, please.'

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

"About 77,000 years ago the human lineage split into two branches. Homo sapiens sapiens and Homo stupidicus dumbelsii."

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

Summer Reading

"An olive or a twist?"

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

"Today, class, I'm proud to announce my tenure."

"There is no complaint department, Robert."

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

'It's just a bit of pond weed tied to my bottom but it makes me feel so much younger!'

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

'Question number one: Does your wife ask you questions from women's magazines?'

"He can't be very good, look at his face."

Too-Humble Pie.