Innocent Jokester Pillows

'I'd like an older brother, please.'

"I'll have a big, long cucumber!"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

'Whup - giant anaconda about to attack - quick Peg, hand me something to take care of it with.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

I fart more than that!

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'Well, I got a hunting license and a fishing license and by golly I'm going to use them.'

"Must get a longer cable."

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

The Female Brain and The Other One

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

"My husband is fishing. . ."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"So tell me about your last poop."

'Okay, okay! You can have a lick of my sucker.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

The Principal of Inertia.

Broad Minded

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Tender and Juicy.'

'It certainly sounds like a fantastic offer, but I'm not supposed to answer the phone.'

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

'No, dear, it's not necessary to go to the doctor because Mia kissed you.'

'Always tell the truth, even if you do have to lie to do it.'

'Well if sixty is the new fifty and forty is the new thirty then yes,twenty must be the new ten...'