Honest Jokester Pillows

'Always tell the truth, even if you do have to lie to do it.'

'So far I've contributed nothing to this world.' - 'And it's a better place for it.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Priest with the Pet Devil.

Men dancing

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Leaving cards.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

"Maybe this year..."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Elf of the Month

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

"You idiots … we lost!"

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

"Your Covid-19 Test Results Are In..."

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'