Impractical Jokester Pillows

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

'If you pretend to water these fake flowers they'll last longer.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

The Female Brain and The Other One

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"I'm very highly strung!"

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Existential truckstop'

Gang of Musicians

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'