Existential Jokester Pillows

'Existential truckstop'

Proof of life on earth

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"It's a big responsibility having green lighted everything."

'Sorry -- that's not on our list of approved churches.'

"Please ask your pet to kindly put down the weapon."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"The stars were much more beautiful from Earth."

"Not now, Oliver."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

"Some mid-life crisis that turned out to be."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

"I've never read such utter nonsense! There's a guy here reckons we're all living in some kind of computer simulation!"

"And where do you see yourself in the next 7-8 billion years?"

BLACK HOLES, the space path of least resistance.

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Cosmonaughty

'I believe there's an unseen hand behind everything we do.'

Mike had learnt by heart the whole training manual, apart from the most important bit.

'I'm sorry for laughing Emperor Dorkbutt, it's just that in our language, well...'

"If small stars keep planets in line, what do big stars do?"

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

'Boy, that felt good! I can see why the devil has so much fun. And no, I'm not letting you in! But tell him I said hello.'

"If, indeed, there is a reason for all this, than that's so much worse."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

If a tree falls on a philosopher in the woods, and no one is there to hear his screams for help, did he really make a sound?