Impractical Jokester Mugs

"Sundials! Hourglasses!"

'If you pretend to water these fake flowers they'll last longer.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

A crab with a utility knife claw

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

The Female Brain and The Other One

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

"I'm very highly strung!"

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'Existential truckstop'

Interrupted Shower.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."