Witty Jokester Gifts

Leaving cards.

'What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for in stupidity.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

Fleas Navidad.

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

Men dancing

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Nice try, Frank. Mother is still coming for the weekend."

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and with the sun if I've found death, please excuse my morning breath.

Elf of the Month

"Maybe this year..."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

C is for Cracker