Jokester With A Past Prints

'When I think of all the homework my dog ate, I can hardly believe that I'm sitting at this desk.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

"You never giggle and read cartoon captions to me anymore."

'Every pacemaker recipient is required to carry jumper cables...'

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

"'Ere -what's YOUR problem...?"

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

"Want to put the house on the market so we clean it?"

Nelson.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda.

The little rascal! He knows we're watching him and that he's safe next to his warren, so he's mooning us!

"It was worth a try."

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Tender and Juicy.'

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'Did you or did you not make my client laugh so hard that milk came out his nose, causing the kids at his cafeteria table to laugh at him?'

Kid, you can't go taking credit cards and identities. It's stealing. Just the same as if you stole something from a store. Yes sir. I want to be a good person. I won't do it anymore. And no freezing my assets. You're no fun at all.

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

"An olive or a twist?"

Summer Reading

'Murder my spouse? Oh, that's nothing but an old wives' tale.'

"My fortune cookie says to call the food poisoning hotline."

'Cool! Thanks to our opposable thumbs, we can send SMS messages...'

"I was on my way to a costume party when I suddenly remembered Uncle Fred's funeral..."

'So we can fing out what is wrong with you granddad, I've asked him to bring in a couple of stools!'

"Have you seen my sticks?"