Jokester With A Love For History Pillows

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Nelson.

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Grandpa's not tech savvy. If I want to unfriend someone, I say, 'I don't like you anymore' to their face."

'Ã…w, gee whiz, Mom -- all the other kids have velociraptors!'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

'We're getting closer - That's a goldfish.'

"Don't try to blame this mess on your father!"

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

First Speeding Fine.

"Can you tell the class how you spell Albuquerque?"

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Oh darn........I forgot The Alamo!'

'Tender and Juicy.'

Coulda Woulda Shoulda.

"I don't know about you, but ever since we invented language, I've been getting a lot less sex."

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

'Okay, we'll release one hostage, for six weeks!!'

'Uncle Oog isn't very smart, but he's a lot of fun to play horsie with.'

"An olive or a twist?"

Summer Reading

'Me invent the wheel!'

'I don't think you can just claim to have invented doctoring. I mean. . . don't you have to be medically trained or something?'

"He can't be very good, look at his face."

"My fortune cookie says to call the food poisoning hotline."

'Question number one: Does your wife ask you questions from women's magazines?'

'It's just a bit of pond weed tied to my bottom but it makes me feel so much younger!'

"Remember what I said...keep an eye on the arrows!"