Lyrical Jokester Pillows

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Men dancing

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"I'm very highly strung!"

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

'I think I see why you're progressing slowly in music.'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'