Lyrical Jokester Gifts

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

A crab with a utility knife claw

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Men dancing

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

"You idiots … we lost!"

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

"I'm very highly strung!"

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'I think I see why you're progressing slowly in music.'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."