Domestic Satirists Gifts

Wife is reading a book intitled 'Meals in 5 minutes', husband is reading a book about 'Divorce in 5 days'.

Occu-Pie Mars

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Let me assure you that my congressional delegation and I are devoting our full attention to the harmful effects of e-cigarettes. . ."

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"I plan to read the constitution this weekend. Is it long?"

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Sure, money may be imaginary - but at least it's got everybody imagining it."

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

Footing The Bill

Atty.-Gen. Sessions reveals new law enforcement strategies to deal with opioid epidemic.

'Secondhand smoke.'

'Ants of all lands, unite!'

Trump returns home

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'So what if few limp-wristed girlie men think we're too extreme!'

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"You should run for president."