Domestic Satirists Gifts

Wife is reading a book intitled 'Meals in 5 minutes', husband is reading a book about 'Divorce in 5 days'.

Occu-Pie Mars

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

They're Not Just That Into It

"Let me assure you that my congressional delegation and I are devoting our full attention to the harmful effects of e-cigarettes. . ."

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"I plan to read the constitution this weekend. Is it long?"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

"Sure, money may be imaginary - but at least it's got everybody imagining it."

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'So what if few limp-wristed girlie men think we're too extreme!'

'Secondhand smoke.'

Trump returns home

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

Atty.-Gen. Sessions reveals new law enforcement strategies to deal with opioid epidemic.

"You should run for president."

Footing The Bill

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

The Epic Battle Over Anthony Kennedy's Replacement Is the Charadiest of All Charades Ever

Antiwar Democrats Get Tough

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

"Oh, say you can't see, any conflicts of interest in me! What's good for my brand, is now the law of the land! And the crooked media's nasty glare, my killer tweets bursting in air... Gave proof to the news cycle, that I'm so awesome it's almost unfair!..

I Want to be a Drone President