Housing Humorist Gifts

Valentines for Real Estate

"I'll carry you over a regular threshold, darling, as soon as the housing market improves."

'Your tenancy deposit will be held and protected securely in accordance with an authorised statutory scheme which is supervised by Big Larry, here ...'

Landlord holding back a tennant from his money: 'It's all part of the service!'

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

'It's the only affordable housing we could afford.'

'...There's been a 20% rise in the length of time our house been on the market'

'I see this one is detached. Yes, the ones on either side fell down.'

'In your price range I could find you a very nice tent.'

"Were you aware you'll need to sign over your wife & kids as collateral in order to secure this property?"

"No, you'll realise that isn't a 'spelling mistake' once we start the viewing."

"About that house I bought from you three years ago - the heating system keeps breaking down, the pipes leak, the foundation is cracking...I want my money back."

Estate agent offers out-of-order phonebox as ideal starter home.

"An additional advantage is it faces south all around."

'How do you like it as a whole. As a hole it's fine...as a house it's lousy.'

'Ere Mabel, know anything about agreeing to a home swop?'

'Beats me why I took this place. No en-suite, no walk-in robe and no dining room!'

Tortoise at mobile home sale.

Estate agents lined up for sale during house-price slump.

Man walking past FOR SALE sign saying 'Houses? Pah! Nobody's buying them anymore'

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? I'm trying to buy a house, but my lender is dragging its feet. Lender? Lender?! Stop begging for handouts! Do what we did in the old days … scrimp and save and buy a house for cash. And if you can't then you move somewhere cheaper. And if there is nowhere cheaper, start a rumor of a nearby toxic waste dump and MAKE IT cheaper. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

Housing Dilemma for Young Adults

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'