Property Humorist Gifts

'We don't get many clients asking to view rat infested properties.'

"I was hoping you had no more territorial ambitions."

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'As you see, it's just a stone's throw from your embassy.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'And this is Eddy, he's been giving virtual tours long before computers.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

Pest Control

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

"Efficiency tombs available"

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

"For sale £470,000 house included"

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"Apparently he told Chris Tarrant it was just enough to pay off his mortgage!"

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have troubles with those in the back yard.'

'Three words doc, why you should buy...dislocation,dislocation,dislocation.'

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

"It's a bit of a fixer-upper."

Toughing it out in the real estate game.