Housing Humorists Gifts

Snail Eviction

When Pyromaniacs Buy A Home: 'This is a great starter home.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

Yard Sale

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

An exaggeration of estate agents

Mouse real estate!

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Carpet Cows

"I've downsized."

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

"You rang?"

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'