Housing Humorists Pillows

Snail Eviction

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

An exaggeration of estate agents

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Mouse real estate!

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Carpet Cows

"I've downsized."

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

"You rang?"

'What kind of bulbs did you put in here?'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'