Realty Humorist Pillows

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Frank's Realty. The guru's house is tough to sell. One door opening whenever another closes is not a plus in real estate.

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

An exaggeration of estate agents

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

Estate Agents: Executive Homes

"I've downsized."

"Efficiency tombs available"

'Is the fire included?'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

'Here's the 2 acres of beachfront property you bought - too bad it's only six inches wide.'

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"The current owners removed a number of walls and used soft, neutral tones to create a very spacious, open concept."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."