Realtor Humorist Pillows

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"Efficiency tombs available"

Estate Agents: Executive Homes

'Is the fire included?'

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"The current owners removed a number of walls and used soft, neutral tones to create a very spacious, open concept."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

'Three words doc, why you should buy...dislocation,dislocation,dislocation.'

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have troubles with those in the back yard.'

Real estate.

"It's a bit of a fixer-upper."

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

'Cosy little kitchen, isn't it?'

Toughing it out in the real estate game.

"Let's see - you might be just right for a little 2-turret, 1 1/2 moat unit I'm renting on West 58th street."