Real Estate Humorists Pillows

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

"... It's a housing bubble."

Hey, I told you not to buy that timeshare.

"These days everybody is trying to make a buck!"

"I think you'll be interested in this one. Just listed, fresh on the market."

'Selling points.'

A Canadian speaks...I heard Flaherty talking about the housing bubble.

"...and I'm sure you've already noticed how deep the carpet pile is!"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

An exaggeration of estate agents

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"I've downsized."

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

Estate Agents: Executive Homes

"Efficiency tombs available"

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us and, even if it was, I doubt either of us could afford to buy a place here given the current sellers' market."

'Is the fire included?'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"For sale £470,000 house included"